November 2003
11/08/03
This is the end of my first week in rehab. I have come here to deal with my alcoholism and to try and turn my life around. This is the first time in about 8 years that I have drawn a sober breath. Sobriety is a strange sensation and I haven't quite learned hot to react when I'm not fucked up in some way. The treatment center is in Tupelo and my days are very structured. Wake up is at 6 AM and we all have chores to do. Our bed has to be made, hospital corners, bathroom clean and several others to be done. Breakfast is at 6:30 and then class from 9-10, group from 10:30-11:30, then lunch. After lunch I usually take a nap then class at 2 PM. At 4 the day is through and the rest is free time. I've somewhat adjusted but I still have a hard time sleeping at night. I have come to this place because I have been convicted of my third DUI and have been placed on house arrest for one year. While on house arrest I can't drink or smoke pot and if I did I would have to go to prison for 5 years! I knew that my drinking was out of control and have contemplated seeking help for a long time but the reality of becoming a felon finally gave me the push I was needing. I believe that if I stick with this program and see it through I will overcome my addiction and defeat the demons of my mind. I still have a lot of work to do before I accomplish that goal but for the first time in a long time I feel confident in a decision that I have made. I will continue to record my progress and in the pages that follow hope to become a better man. I still hold strongly to some resentments and much hatred. I will continue to try my best to turn off the path that I have followed for so many years.
11/09/03
Today I had a lot of trouble with tolerance. There are some new guys on the wing and they've been wearing thin on my nerves, I'm starting to feel the effects of my sobriety i.e. becoming irritated easily and losing my patience with people. I feel the walls starting to close in and the fear of falling back into my old patterns and drinking again. I don't know how to deal with my emotions and I'm having trouble coping with some things in my life right now.
11/15/03
This is the end of my second week in treatment and I feel great. I've never been sober for this long and my thoughts are starting to clear. We just finished the ropes course and I learned a lot about myself. Today was visitation day and I no longer feel shame for being in this place. I felt comfortable and at ease. I have come to accept Allison's death and no longer blame myself. I have also made a decision that I want to work with kids telling my story and hopefully helping to prevent some from making my mistakes. I believe that if someone like me had told me about this disease instead of the forced immorality of drug use maybe I would have listened. I don't know why this has become so strong in my mind but I believe it to be my purpose in life and the reason for all I have endured. I hope that I can do this one thing well.
11/27/03
Today is Thanksgiving and I have mush to be thankful for. I am sober, today makes 28 days. I went to an AA and NA meeting this week and I think I prefer NA. Last week I moved to the transition hall and will begin work Monday. I have been a little confused these past few days. I feel that I have lost focus and I don't know why. I think maybe the holidays and the fact that this will be the first Thanksgiving I have missed. I'm starting to feel extreme emotions. The pain is almost unbearable because I am sober. Before I could drink it away. I learned to ignore it. Now I have no recourse. It's so strange and I am so vulnerable. I don't know what to do.