September 2003
09/12/03
My birthday is next week and I'm coming up for a felony. I'm so scared I can't think so I've been drinking and eating pills to forget. My attempts to escape reality are failing. I try and try but the illusion is not enough. I need more. I want reality but the fear of it is overwhelming. So much that I can't control myself. I keep pushing and pushing and pretty soon I'm going to fall off.
09/23/03
Today may very well be my last day of freedom for at least a year. I have court tomorrow for my 3rd D U I and I fear that they will decide to sentence me. Everything seems to be heading toward some terrible end. Last Friday was my birthday and I lost my job. My tension and stress is becoming overwhelming and I don't know how much longer the downward slope will last. It seems to me that if I keep on this path of destruction I will eventually hit bottom. If I do reach the bottom, can I survive it? I desire to let loose these feelings of rage and inadequacy to the point where breakdown seems imminent if I don't let go. I wonder if maybe I've done something horrible in a previous life to deserve all these consequences. Can I not be content to just live? Will my suffering ever end?