December 2003

12/9/03

It's been some time since I've written anything. I haven't had much to say. Last week I started work , it's very boring but it gets me out of this place for a little while. I've been feeling strange the last couple of weeks. I got my first weekend pass and the experience was weird. I went home and didn't feel at home. I felt out of place, like I didn't belong. I found myself wanting to be back here and not there. I think that I've become familiar with this place and am not ready for the outside world. I've been having weird dreams where I've been drinking and I find myself angry that I am. This is reassuring to me. I feel that maybe I don't want to drink anymore but I could be wrong. Sometimes I wish for a drink. It passes in a few moments but it's still there. I haven't been concentrating too well on my recovery. I've been distracted , I hope this will pass. I will do my best to regain whatever it is that I have lost.

12/26/03

The day after Christmas and I can actually remember what happened. Today is 58 days clean and I feel great! My head is clearing up and my thoughts are more focused. I'm more comfortable when I go home on the weekends. I'm beginning to feel a little something for one of the women here. My thoughts have been very centered toward sex. It's been over a year and the tension is hard to deal with. 

My soul is filled with pain

My heart is always strained

I can not go into my dark mind

I fear what I will find

Date Unknown

I long to be released from my pain. I can feel my heart growing colder. I have such terrible thoughts. They scare me and it's all I can to to keep their horror at bay. The evil in my mind is strong. It wants to be released from it's prison. I don't know how long I can hold out. I know that I am good at heart but a large part of me is dark and dangerous. I have visions of bodies, terrible violence and suffering. My dreams are filled with intense hatred. I am always killing or hurting all those around me. In the dream I am not in control. I am watching myself do these things and can't stop them from happening. I also have good dreams too but even in them I still feel the hate. Some part of me doesn't want to be happy. It only wants to destroy all that it sees.