July 2002

07/30/2002

1:17 A.M. 

What am I doing with my life? After all these years it still hasn't set in that I'm doomed to fail. I try to do what my heart tells me is right but my foolish desire to be self-destructive causes me to blow every chance I've been given to change my life. I have warrants in every county surrounding me . I've violated my probation , I'm facing 6 months in jail, I'm an alcoholic , and I just did a gram of coke! I ask myself again, What the fuck am I doing with my life? Not so long ago I thought I was living it but now I realize that I'm ending it. I know that it's destroying me yet still I continue to follow the road that I've chosen. Who knows? Maybe the road that I have chosen will lead me to the right place in life. I've managed to hold a job for 3 months now. I enjoy the work but the pay sucks! I make $5.70 an hour for a job I'd make twice as much for anywhere else. The consequences of my actions keep me from attaining that position. I want to preserve my education but all the drugs and alcohol have almost destroyed my brain. I remember a time when I retained information but now I need a Complete Idiots Guide to Existence. I have these dreams where I destroy everything in sight, including people I love.  While I'm doing it I think stop this , this is wrong, but I can't stop. I continue to hate and I wake up in a cold sweat wondering if that is who I really am. I think all the years of being passive and turning the other cheek are building up until I think I'm going to explode. I fear that one day I'll black out and when I come to I wont be there anymore.