September 2004 to March 2005
Date Unknown 2004
In the darkness of my soul my heart is empty and cold. The black hate that is inside of me is bigger than anything can fill. No matter how much I try I'll never be satisfied. The pain is almost unbearable. My mind devours all that I come in contact with. I consume emotions and swallow feelings. Nothing can ease my hunger. I feed off other people’s reactions and try to make them my own. I use up all those I encounter and take everything they have to give until nothing is left then I discard them. Why must I live this way? I want to be close to people and not push them away. I can't stop myself, no matter how hard I try /I believe that I will always be alone. This keeps me up at night, the fear of dying alone and no one knowing who I really am. Will someone please release me from this torture? Will I never be free of my evil thoughts and desires? The images of fire and devastation in my mind scare me to the very core of my soul. That those thoughts run free in my mind is alarming. I hope that this will pass, and I can find relief.
9/12/2004
1:32 AM
Another day closer to death. The time passes and I sit waiting for something I will never find. It's very frustrating trying to get back your mind. I've left pieces of my soul on the battlefield of my past and now as I go back to reclaim what I have lost I find that time and decay have worn down the parts of me I need most. When I reach back looking for some place and time which I want to belong to again I only find fragments of what was once a whole and happy experience. More and more I found myself living in the past. I must think that if I relive something I can change what happened. I know that's an absurd thought but then again, the mind of a broken-down alcoholic and drug addict desperately trying to live in the sober world is not a very sane place. I still have terrible dreams where I use and then I'll beat myself up for it. Awake with the fear that I will return to that life, and I know that once I go back there will be no escape. I haven't been to a meeting in a very long time. I can't bring myself to go into a room full of people who are fooling themselves. They think they are happy and then if they just follow the rules that life will work out. I know better than that. No one system applies to the masses. Each person must find their own way and I know that mine is not the right way, but I'm headed in the right direction. I still am one fucked up individual and always will be, but I don't try to fool myself into thinking I can become a well-rounded person by reading a book and listening to a room full of bullshit.
1/16/2005
3:20 AM
It's been some time since I've sat down and put my thoughts on paper, so I figured now is as good a time as any. Since my last entry many things have happened. I started drinking again, but on a much more controlled basis. I don't feel quite as driven to drink as I used to now, I just take life as it comes and if I feel like it, I self-medicate the best way I know how. I passed the two years of celibacy mark and suspect I'll probably see the third.
2/21/2005
4:33 AM Eastern Time
Here I sit in my car which acquired through thievery. I'm in North Carolina at my grandmother’s house. I have stolen my mother's car and skipped town with nothing but a few dollars and some clothes. I had to pawn my guitar in Atlanta just to make it here. I've been here almost two weeks and I haven't felt this free in a long time. I don't really know why I left but I know that if I stayed there any longer, I was going to lose my mind. I feel no remorse whatsoever for taking the car it was quite liberating to tell the truth. I am heading home in the next few days, but I don't know how long I'll stay there. I'm sure there will be harsh words spoken but I have No Fear of words. I think that I've crossed over some line, and I can't go back. Who knows what the future holds for my soul, be a good or bad I'll be there with a fire behind my eyes and a will to destroy all the hindered me on my path for knowledge.
3/1/2005
10:23 PM
What is this pain that I abide with in the deep of the night? It is an ever-present fear that creeps into my soul to swallow what light remains there. I wait here for the last part of me that is forever to be destroyed so that I can feel no more. When all that is left is reflex and instinct, I will suffer my tortures never again. To lose my humanity seems a small price to pay to not feel this pain anymore. Then again all I know is my sorrow, what will be left for me when it is gone?
3/22/2005
9:55 PM
Another day in the life of a delusional, uninspired, and failed young man. The time takes away and nothing happens. I have successfully alienated all my old friends for the second time. I was surprised that it took me this long to piss all of them off. I half expected it to take less than a month, I must be getting soft. Things are definitely not looking up, I'm unemployed, still single, and coming up on three years without sex. On the bright side I still battle with depression often and seem to find solace only in books. I am devouring pages at an unbelievable rate and have read almost everything I own. My thoughts are sporadic, and I can't seem to gain control of my mind. I find myself living in a dream and feel more and more detached from reality as the days pass.