March 2004
3/7/2004 3:00 P.M.
As I sit here with growing intensity, I wait for the phone to ring. I want a woman to be on the other end, but I suspect that its just some member of my family calling to check up on me. I feel unwanted and very lonely as I stare at the same 4 walls and listening to depressing music. I'm stuck in a rut and if I don't get out soon I feel I'll be here forever. I can find no satisfaction in life and have become desensitized to everything. My job is boring and menial, it lacks challenge. My family is driving me crazy they just seem to be waiting for me to fuck up and I kind of feel like confirming their suspicions. I need an escape of some kind. Something to take my mind off my situation and give me some sense of peace, if only for a short time. I will continue to wait patiently, for now.
While I wander through this dark and dangerous life, I search for something to hold onto and make me feel whole. I have a great empty space in my soul and with every passing day it gets bigger. As the years roll alone the pain gets worse and harder to deal with. My heart gets colder and at the same time more vulnerable. I search for healing and find only heartache. Am I doomed to live out the remainder of my days alone? I'm only 23 and fear being alone for the rest of my life. The time drags where it used to fly. I've lost something, and I don't know how to get it back. I want to just nail down and cry, but the hatred of my weakness keeps me from doing so. I loved my self-pity, yet I can't do anything about it.
3/8/2004 2:37 P.M.
Sometimes I want to destroy everything around me. I feel like inflicting pain and hearing bones crack. I want to spill blood and hear the screams of the dying. These are just feelings and I know I can't act on them but it sure would feel good to cut loose on somebody. I feel sorry for the person who finally pushes my button. I won't be able to stop myself and I fear someone may end up dead or in the hospital. So be it! Just get out of my way and don't push because one day I'm gonna push back, real hard.
3/14/2004 7:45 P.M.
I quit my job this week. There was just too much temptation. My sobriety comes first so I got out of there. I'm still not sure what's going on with me. I'll sit here all day waiting for the phone to ring but it never does. When am I going to learn that there are some things I can't control? I need to get out of this place. I'm going insane sitting in my room all alone. I'm a complete contradiction. I want someone to be with but at the same time I desire to be by myself. I need something more than this monotonous existence. The boredom is overwhelming and I desire companionship to take my mind off the mundane and disgusting situation that is my life. Will I ever be relieved from this never ending time loop. Clock seems to stop and I can't take my eyes off it.
3/19/2004 10:17 P.M.
Another day locked in this house and I'm going crazy. Tomorrow there's a function at the N A clubhouse and I'm worried about how I'm going to get there. My old man continues to insist that I don't have a drug problem but what does he know. I tried to tell him otherwise, but he refuses to listen. He says it's a matter of willpower. Bullshit! I find it's best to let him think what he wants, as long as I know the truth about myself then who cares.
3/27/2004 7:50 P.M.
Today has been so boring. I've been sitting here like a pathetic loser waiting for the phone to ring. It's my own fault. I build up some great image of someone in my head then complain when I'm forced to face reality. I waited all day for her to call. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know what my problem is. I didn't need to be like this. It seems like I put too much of myself into one aspect of my life. I should be enjoying life not waiting around for it to find me. I should have left the house today and had a good time. Instead, I sat here smoking cigarettes and watching movies. Is this what I've become? I used to be fun and people enjoyed being around me. Now the phone doesn't even ring. I have to stop beating myself up over insignificant occurrences. Maybe she'll call tomorrow. Who knows?
3/28/2004 7:45 P.M.
Another day in the life of the mundane. My life is becoming less and less exiting. I find myself missing the old days. Romanticizing what I know to be the world I can no longer live in. Sometimes the desire for a drink or a drug is almost overwhelming. I seem to think if only I had a beer in my hand things would happen. Yeah, sure something will happen, probably something bad. I can't stop the urge, but I can try to suppress it. Is my mind just playing tricks on me? That's probably it, my sick thinking poisoning me against the good things in my life. And loneliness is wearing thin on my heart. Wallow in my self-pity all day and dream of it at night. The demons of my past haunt my thoughts and prevent me from being happy. I hope then I can overcome this seemingly unending depression. I'm starved for affection and when I find someone, I come on too strong and run them off. I must be patient and relax. If things are meant to happen, they will. Maybe that's why things happen to me in my life. If they come too easy, I won't appreciate it. I must work for my reward. I can't expect things to just fall in my lap.